Whoops, that’s your romance: Motorcycle Man

I recently purchased a train wreck of a book that I’ve been hearing rave reviews about all over our great internets. That book is called Motorcycle Man. A lot of readers compared the book to crack or Pringles, a guilty pleasure that is highly addictive. It was $2.99 so I figured, what the hell?

I want my three dollars back.

Motorcycle Man is a Sons of Anarchy fanfic  a story about Tack and Tyra, two boneheads who fall in love. Tyra’s all: “OMG UR GOATEE IS SO KICKASS THA BOMB DIGGITY.” And Tack is all, “IMA CALL U RED CUZ YOUR HAIR IS RED NOT LIKE SUN OR DARK.”

Clearly they’re a match made in heaven.

Dear Tack: Calling blondes “sun” is real dumb, son. Knock it off.

Tack was christened Tack because he is supposedly “sharp as a” but bitch, please. Dumb as a Rock, more like. Dude is always trying to lay all of this knowledge on Tyra, and it’s just a stream of dropped g’s and f bombs and a whole bunch of zzzz’s. I’m like: is this guy seriously talking just to hear himself talk? What the hell is he even talking ABOUT? I’m pretty sure he’s brain damaged. And I look over at Tyra and she’s just FLOORED by his garbled monologue. And THE REPETITION! Tack’s goatee will growl, whisper, and growl again the same question “WHAT WERE YOU FUCKING THINKING?” and Tyra will shriek, whisper, and shriek again her non-answer, something like: “MY FOOT IS ASLEEP!” and shit goes on for AGES. And there’s some muttering and growling about drugs and the Russian Mob (who kidnap Tyra twice)? Do I have to mention that everything in this book is told and not shown? Nope. Shouldn’t have to. It’s all very: Then stuff happened, randomly.

Don’t even get me started on him talking about Tyra’s “soft spot” and “greedy pussy”.  Ew. Ew Ew Ew EW!

But oh! These two are in luuuurve because suddenly Tyra can see colors now. Literally. It turns out oranges are orange! Cool! Dear Tyra: when people say that they lived in black and white until something/someone came into their lives, honeybabydarlin, that’s just called A FIGURE OF SPEECH. If you truly cannot see color you should go see an eye doctor.

And “You colored my world!”  is just one example of the many, many trite, cliché, HELLA CORNY expressions that run rampant in this book.  Most are of the rapist, abusive manipulator variety.

This happened, basically:

“Baby, I like wrapping my hands around your throat so that I can feel your sweet pulse and know you’re alive.”

“But it makes me uncomfortable.”

“I get that, since I’ve been known to choke a bitch. But you’re my woman MINE and I do what I want with my women. If you don’t want me to hold you by your throat when we’re casually talkin’ you’ll have to get used to talkin’ this way ‘cuz I’ll still do it ‘cuz you gotta understand Chaos and our way of life ‘cuz I do what I wanna do ‘cuz I’m the man and you’re the woman. I’ll give you whatever you want except whens I don’t want what you want and this time I don’t want what you want. You gotta understand who the man is in the relationship and it’s me ‘cuz I have a cock and you suck it. ”

Oh God. Did he just say that? He did just say that! He. Is. Awesome!

“Okay.” I whispered.

…

This is a very, very badly written book in which every single character is an ignorant moron who is violently melodramatic. I can’t.

And people are RECOMMENDING this garbage. Whoops!